Rules for Dating My Son

You have GOT to be kidding me!

I’ve seen this on Facebook a couple of times now and, unless it’s meant to be a snarky joke, an amusing, scary spoof, this is just a condescending piece of wild crazy.

Let’s take these one at a time shall we?

1) He’s not your ATM.

IF your kid allows himself to be ATM-ized he must believe that women want to be with him NOT because he’s nice/smart/funny/attractive/interesting/a good soul but because he’s got bucks and is positively promiscuous in his spending habits.

That's sad.

OR maybe he thinks that this is just what women are like. That any chick worth having has to be bought and paid for.

I gotta wonder where he learned that....Mom.

2) If you show up to my house looking like a stripper, I will make you go away.

This, perhaps, gets back to your son thinking that he has to buy women.

OR maybe your judgement on stripper-wear is set on a hair trigger.

Evelyn Nesbit, was a fin de siècle chorus girl and artists' model. But, but she looks like such a sweet thing!.

Maybe, instead, this is what you mean. Yeah, a trashy look but, ya know, ya gotta stop blaming the girls. His hormones are at their tippy top zenith — maybe all he wants is to bang a hussy. 

Possibly you should have a talk with your teen. Encourage him to quit pursuing the, in your eyes, low hanging fruit. AND/OR just make sure he’s using condoms. Hmmm?

Also, while you're at it, make sure he totally and completely  understands that even if a woman's kitted out in prime grade tart togs, she's not "asking for it." 

Does he understand that young women, even those you deem unworthy and stripper-esque are human beings who deserve respect and kindness JUST LIKE EVERYONE/ANYONE ELSE!

3) If I see sexts on his phone I will make you go away.

So, you think these “sexts” appear unbidden? You think your precious bairn didn’t request them? So SHE should go away because SHE’S a vile teen temptress who’s dragging your sweet, innocent away by the head of his dick?

Perhaps, Mother Dearest, you missed that lecture in sophomore health class about hormones and teenage boys?

4) Understand that if I don’t like you, I will make you go away.
5) Understand that I can make you go away.

Because it’s ALL about you and what you want. Nota bene, that umbilical cord was cut, oh, 16-18 years ago. Your children grow up. No, really they do. They need to go out into the world and make their own judgement calls, their very own belly flops and gold medal winning choices. This is referred to, here in the real world, as learning, maturing — ya know, growing up.

If you’ve raised him to be a smart, canny, self assured thing, well, boy howdy, he will be.

6) He’s a “Mama’s Boy.” Unless you have a ring on your finger, your opinion of that doesn’t matter.

‘the fuck? Honest to bast — WHAT is your damage? Stop behaving like the object of your kid’s affection is the enemy — someone to be fought off! I get the sense you'd hate any girl he might bring home unless she's the height of nonthreatening passivity. She's not your replacement, she's his girlfriend. You are his mother. Unclear on the difference between the two? If so, do yourself a favor and check into McLean's now.

Also, just curious, do the young women get extra points if they know how to do crewel work and bake lovely apple pies? For you. Of course.

7) You are not in charge of him and it’s not up to you to change him. Take him for who he is or see rule #5.

You are not in charge of him Oh, but you are? This is a human not a dog you’re talking about! It’s not up to you to change him No, obviously that’s your job — that what you’re saying? What kind of fucked up control freak are you? You’re his mother — it’s your job to nurture, support, teach and love your child and then let them fly. Stop treating him like your own personal amorphous, lump of clay.

Did ya know? Your son has a mind. He has wants and needs that MAY not have anything to do with you. He is his own person.

8) He’s a gentleman. I taught him that. You better act like a lady and deserve that.

 Oh. Rilly. Being a good guy wouldn't be in his nature unless YOU taught him?

And you, not your son, is the judge of what a “lady” is/should be? Does being a “lady” mean not having a personality that would in any way, at any time, offend ANYone? Chica, you don’t want your boy to have a girlfriend, you want him to have a nicely behaved, quiet dog.

And what's with this Lady/Whore bullshit? Don't tell me, lemme guess — you're totes down with the archaic and disgusting Republican attitude towards women. Si?

9) I know how to avoid jail.

You’re psychotic — ya know that, right? Get help. You need it.

10) If you weasel your way past all these rules and fake your way to a ring on your finger....

It’s all about the ring eh? Not at all about happiness or having a like-minded, supportive, interesting, engaging life partner.

This is a human being who you’ve brought into this very hard world. Stop making it harder. Also too — you come off as crazy, not funny and fierce Mama Grizzly.