I just can't...

I was watching the local morning news with The Amazing Bob this morning. This is never a good thing. Warum? The morning “news” is so patently watered down (c’mon, I can stand a few tidings of woe at 6 AM. Honest!), the colors so bright and cheery and the on air talent so tenderfootedly green, so fresh outta school, the ink’s still wet on their broadcast journo sheepskin.

Here’s what I wanna know, do the folks hiring these baby news readers think that het women don’t watch their little shows? The female presenters are generally all white, blond and wearing enough makeup to qualify as Kabuki. I get that the morning news is all about easing us poor slobs into the day but, fer fuck’s sake mon ami, what’s to keep me watching? The shark attack reports from South Africa surely won’t do it.

An aside, WHY is this even on the local Boston news? First off, South Africa isn’t anywhere near us (I mention this in case the producers are geographically challenged). Secondly, no one died in horrific, bloody, shades-of-Jaws agony. Maybe those handsome swimmy fellas were just surfer-boy curious? Possibly they were defending their home against invaders? Hey, they could have just been the local aquatic Welcome Wagon!

Eye candy dearth

But back to the female news readers—invariably they’re kitted out in partyware while the men are in suits and ties. Plunging necklines (on the babes) with push up bra-ed cleavage is standard.

Dear News Outlet Hiring Team,

How’s about sexing it up a bit for us Vagina Bostonians too? Ya know, as long as you’re assuming that all your male viewers want is eye candy why not do us that solid too? You could have a Jack Sparrow-ish dude giving the biz report. Or a Denzel clone advising on the day’s weather. How about having a soulfull, longhaired Hugh Jackman giving us the crime report.

C’mon, work with us here. After all, we Lady Bit Rockers outnumber the Penis Bostonians. We are more than half your market. Pay attention!

Yurs Truly,
Het Boston Babes

So, since the chicklet in the little black cocktail dress was too annoying, I decided to get my weather news online. As uzh, their The-Sky-Is-FALLING headline annoyed the ever livin’ crap outta me.

The lede, the click bait? NWS Weather Forecaster: This is Super Historic

When I clicked on the bait, the full headline was:

"Super Historic" July Rainfall in California Thanks to Former Hurricane Dolores; More Rain Ahead Early This Week

OK so for once it’s not dire, hysterical warnings of imminent terror inspiring weather BUT I wouldn’t know that from the scarehead, now would I?

Copywriting FAIL!

Apart from weather.com’s daily hysterics, it truly and completely drives me batshit when “super” is used as an adverb. Why? It’s lazy and makes the speaker sound, well, not terribly bright.

Cole Nesmith, in his fabola post We Have a Super Problem, hits on this more precisely than I:

The word has become a ubiquitous adverb (adverbs modify other words – adjectives in this case).

I’m super cold.
I’m super hungry.
I’m super sick.

I’m not sure what “super sick” means. It seems it would be akin to “I’ve run out of options, and the doctors say I have two days left.” But I’ve only heard the term used to mean, “I have a cold.”

And “super hungry.” Does that mean, “I’ve been alone in the desert for a week, and I need to eat?” No. It usually indicates something like, “I haven’t eaten since noon, and now it’s 7 PM.”

The “super” adverb is in common use to the point that I heard it used last week in an NPR segment.

NPR?! I cringe with every “super.”

Get outta the boat and go read his tremendous (super?) post—his adverb alternatives are brill.

Now that I’m full up on annoyance for the morning, it’s time to get to work.

Alrighty then!