Triggers

Whoever's calm and sensible is insane!
~ Rumi

The only order in the universe is just a cycle of calm and chaos.
~ Toba Beta, Master of Stupidity

Spent Monday at the smartcar dealership where Bix was having his annual physical. This check up woulda cost just north of $300, expensive enough, BUT they discovered that Bix needed new brakes too. The bill came in at just over a grand. OUCH! The very nice folk there also let me know that I’ll need 3 new tires in about 4,000 miles too. More ouchy.

Ya know, I just wanna know how come life doesn’t come to a full fucking stop (or at least a full fucking pause) because MY HUNNY PIE DIED!

Rilly now, if this was a just universe, it would. I wouldn’t need to jump through a thousand and one half hoops to cancel or get my name alone on various accounts. My kitchen and basement wouldn’t, molto inopportunely, flood. For that matter, bills should just flat out STOP for a coupla months. I should get a free ride because, fer fuck’s sake, The Amazing Bob is no more.

In a world that made sense, I wouldn’t, now, need to lock my doors and windows. The strawberries in my fridge should NOT have withered and gone fuzzy – what were they thinking? I was gonna put them in my yogurt this morning. Oopsie, that's gone past its expiration date too. This ain't right.

On that note, the grocery store’s just chockfull of heartbreak triggers.

As I’m sure I’ve already mentioned, TAB and I had very different eating habits. Every single morning for brekkie, he had a bowl of Frosted Mini Wheats and a cup of tea. Me? Leftover sushi or Sichuan Asparagus, sometimes oatmeal and, always, COFFEE!

I can’t go down the cereal aisle now –  it sparks a big fat round of waterworks.

Same with the cookie aisle. TAB loved him some Milanos (especially mint!) and Nantucket Dark Chocolate biscuits. When he baked (which used happen, minimum, a few times each week), he’d make himself regular old chocolate chip – his fave. For me, he’d magic up some wondrous oatmeal, spinach and butterscotch chip babies. It’s been at least six months since TAB employed his kitchen wizardry at all and well over a year since he cookied us up with any regularity. Given this, I was in that section of the grocery a few times a week. Yeah, do recall – my man was a serious Cookie Monster – I had to keep a big supply on hand. So then, that lane’s a no-go now too.

The bakery section where I’d pick up TAB’s sammich bread and his beloved pumpkin pies is off limits too unless I want to indulge in a fit of public weeping and wailing.

Really now, just about every lane in the store holds solid sob kindling. It ain’t fair.

The ideal of calm exists in a sitting cat.
~ Jules Renard

It's so hard to forget pain, but it's even harder to remember sweetness. We have no scar to show for happiness. We learn so little from peace.
~ Chuck Palahniuk, Diary