Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion. I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning do to do afterward.
~ Kurt Vonnegut
I’m with ya Kurt! Well, I would be, ‘cept he’s in some secret, not even GPS can find it, grave somewhere.
Balance. I gotta find balance. All stress and no chill is no fuckin’ way to get through the damn day. I’m tellin’ ya!
The path of my life is strewn with cow pats from the devil's own satanic herd!
~ Rowan Atkinson
Well yeah, that and MRIs. Tomorrow is my spine tube time. I’ve been freakin’ about this, on and off, for a week. It’s not just the claustrophobia, it’s the fear of the results. Here’s the thing though, I won’t know the results until next Tuesday when I see Doc Plotkin.I pretty much already know what he’s gonna say too. The tumors are slow growers so, unless I’m having dramatic symptoms (like weakness and/or pain in my legs) I won’t be having more back surgery just yet. That’s the good AND the bad news. I want these party crashers OFF my damn spinal cord NOW, NOW, NOW. At the same time I rilly, truly need a break from all the surgery. 2018 was a banner year for that shit.
Is the occasional and slight thigh twinge a phone call from the T-4+5 meningiomas? Are they lonely and wanna come out to play. Or is that ache just my body telling me I need to do more stretching and laps. Maybe BOTH? Hmmmmmm?
This morning I did what another of my surgical pit crew once suggested for pre-MRI brain tranquilizante action – I took a calm-me-down pill. Yes, before resorting to a pill, I did deep breathing exercises. Those, sadly, did not do the trick in full.
My efforts to achieve cellular level peace have also included swimming laps (12 of ‘em yesterday!) starting a new painting (with another in the hopper) AND Ten and I will hit the Fuller Craft Museum later this morning for aht viewing and a wee hike around their gorgeous pond. Then lunchie with Jen. Sounds like some mega peaceful self-care, right?
Yup but sometimes the pill is what’s need to push me over the top into the warmth of Tranquility Sea. I shouldn’t feel guilt about this but, of course, I do. (I try not to miss FUN guilt opportunities, ya know?) I only take the pills, mega sparingly, before MRIs. Frequent use and addiction are just not within my galaxy quadrant.
So, why am I so bloody loath to take them? This is after all precisely why they’ve been prescribed. Why? BECAUSE I wanna get through this ON MY OWN without pharmaceutical cheating assistance.
And I will – just not this time. No worries, there’s plenty more tube time in my future.
Of all the hardships a person had to face, none was more punishing than the simple act of waiting.
~ Khaled Hosseini, A Thousand Splendid Suns
Anticipating pain was like enduring it twice. Why not anticipate pleasure instead?
~ Robin Hobb, Renegade's Magic
This THIS is the key. While in the tube. while waiting for the results, while just living, I’ll anticipate the mondo brill brekkie that Ten will craft for me tomorrow, I’ll anticipate the joy I always feel when I splash the background color down on a new big canvas. I’ll anticipate my next time in the pool swimming laps AND I’ll go visit TAB and Rocco’s young cherry trees which are now in flower.
Anticipation – Carly Simon
