Seemingly Outta Nowere

I can’t predict when this shit’s gonna jump me like some wildly coked up fiend. I should be able to don’cha think? Yesterday it hit me like 40 tons ‘o’ cement overshoes.

I was texting with Perry, Kevin Scott’s bestie/love/roomie/caregiver/angel. For years, eons even, I’ve wanted to be in touch with Perry but I’d lost his address AND could NOT bring his bloody last name to mind. It made me crazy (more so). And then, one wonderful day before I flew to Oregon to begin Ten and Donna’s Excellent Adventure, Perry found moi – yurs fucking truly! In-fucking-credible mes ami!

In any case, post text, I got knocked over by a grief tsunami of biblical proportions. I realized later that what I was dealing with was an avalanche. Talking with Perry tipped off my long dormant Kevin grief which ignited my fresh Tom Gardon sorrow which sparked my never far from the surface TAB heartache. The morto cherry on top? Sean Vigle.

Yup, I was goin’ down for the count in a maelstrom of melancholy.

It’s the same with people who say, ‘Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.’ Even people who say this must realize that the exact opposite is true. What doesn’t kill you maims you, cripples you, leaves you weak, makes you whiny and full of yourself at the same time. The more pain, the more pompous you get. Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you incredibly annoying.
~ Rob Sheffield

I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories.'
~ Maya Angelou

Where you used to be, there is a hole in the world, which I find myself constantly walking around in the daytime, and falling in at night. I miss you like hell.
~ Edna St. Vincent Millay

Look closely and you will see
Almost everyone carrying bags
Of cement on their shoulders

That’s why it takes courage
To get out of bed in the morning
And climb into the day.
~ Edward Hirsch, Gabriel: A Poem

There are no happy endings.

Endings are the saddest part,

So just give me a happy middle

And a very happy start.
~ Shel Silverstein, Every Thing on It

No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.
~ C.S. Lewis

Ain't no shame in holding onto grief...long as you make room for other things too.
"Bubbles" – the Wire

 She was no longer wrestling with the grief, but could sit down with it as a lasting companion and make it a sharer in her thoughts.
~ George Eliot

When we die, we will turn into songs, and we will hear each other and remember each other.
~ Rob Sheffield, Love Is a Mix Tape

Kevin Scott is Talking Heads’ Slippery People or maybe Psycho Killer.
Sean Vigle is Inside Out by his old band, Erector Set.
The Amazing Bob is Miles Davis’ Kind of Blue.
Tom Gardon is Captain Beefheart’s Tropical Hotdog Night.

What song will I be? I’m hoping for Jeff Beck’s The Shapes of Things or Paul Simon’s Cool Cool River but, ya know, it ain’t up to me. The tunes float down into the survivor’s beans independent of my wishes or yours. They just happen.

I asked Jen – what song would she want to have people remember her through. Bad Brains’ Don’t Bother Me AND Neil Diamind’s Cracklin’ Rosie. Our Jen, she has some massively diverse likes.