Worms

Nobody likes me,
everybody hates me,
I guess i m gonna eat some worms…
short fat slimy ones,
long thin curly ones,
see how they wiggle and squirm

Yeah, I woke up at 2:30 with this playing in my head. Wut up with that, you might be wondering.

Whelp…I’ve been desperately ill for the past year and a half and shit’s only getting worse. No, I have not heard back from my neurologist about Sunday’s MRI. I skimmed the written report but that doesn’t tell me more than I already know. The clot of tumors has grown and it’s causing all kinds of havoc. No, the fuckers aren’t huge but it’s location/position as much as size that sparks the bullshit.

In any case, my rat-bastard subconscious is apparently flashing back to my mother’s admonishments, “DON”T be a burden to anyone” – essentially ‘don’t EVER need help. NO ONE will love you if you have needs!’ And then there was my cousin Carmel’s severe cautioning “NEVER tell anyone you like that you have Nf2 – they’ll leave you.” Aren’t those pretty pictures? Bast only knows why I didn’t commit suicide after I was diagnosed at 22. My mother and a mother figure (both of whom also had NF2) were telling me that I was now, (through no-fault of mine) completely unlovable.

• First,  HORSESHIT!
• Second, why would I want to be with a beau or friends who are so motherfucking flimsy and shortsighted? Life’s a long-ass road and we ALL get sick at one point or another.
  Yeah I didn’t take their advice. I certainly could’ve ended up all by myself but I haven’t.
  

So, what’s up with the worm shit last night? I have never been this feeble for this fucking long. Granted, I just had my ninth (or tenth) seizure since the end of August. Each one, no matter how small, takes me down to zero. Big fun. I don’t have time to build my strength back up before another one hits. Pain in the bloody ass is what this is.

Why do Jen, Ten and Oni stick around? Beats the fuck outta me. My sparkling personality? Unlikely!

Jen and Oni have seen me though seven neurosurgeries (The Amazing Bob was up to six before he croaked). Ten’s clocked in at three. He’s never known me when I could walk without assistance.

So, huh. I guess I won’t eat worms AND looks like mia madre and cousin Carm were WRONG, WRONG, WRONG.

Good!