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Friday, January 21, 2022

Slings, Arrows, Outrageous Fortune

Woke at 2AM from a dream about my old friend Sean. We were in Cambridge’s once grungy Central Square where, post Mary Chung dinner, we hit The Middle East for a show. This little nocturne featured a beloved, 10 years gone pal plus full hearing and mobility.

Did I wake up wistful? Oh babies, yeah—most def!

Somehow this sweet, melancholy tinged dream segued into a highlights reel of egregious and embarrassing moments from my 20s. Ouch!

My idiocies and rat-shit behavior can be laid at the foot of the fresh rare, banjaxing, incurable disease diagnosis and then having my very first brain surgery at 23. Actions explained, not justified or defended. Doesn’t excuse or undo anything though. //shrugs// I’ve certainly learned from my off-the-rails exploits (and sincerely apologized to all wounded parties) but I still need to figure out how to forgive myself.

How do other people do this? Have you been able to forgive yourself for past transgressions?

I was reading a post about Joss Whedon—once hailed as a feminist hero, now exposed as a self-absorbed, thoughtless, often cruel and otherwise tremendously flawed human. The story’s author gives more than a two dimensional portrait of Whedon and his atrocious actions—not excusing him but providing a wider view. Whedon takes issue with the wording used by some of his accusers but mostly allows that everything happened, pretty much, as claimed—more or less. Yeah, there's lots of waffling and hedging.

E.g., quoting from a production of Richard III he’d recently see:

Alas, I rather hate myself
For hateful deeds committed by myself.
I am a villain. Yet I lie. I am not.

So, Whedon’s a rotted dickhead—an incredibly rich, conflicted and talented rotted dickhead. Also, he's human…like me. If he can give himself absolution, surely I can too.

By the by, Buffy, Angel and Firefly are still some my favorite teevee shows. And the Alien installment closest to my heart? Alien: Resurrection.

In this Age of Google, where we can learn/know all about the artists whose work we enjoy, I'm kind of cool with just appreciating the art. 

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