Daddy Day

Celeste, Daddy and me 1971

Today’s a big day. It’s Father’s Day AND the one year anniversary of Daddy’s death. It feels like he’s been gone eons longer than one measly turn around the sun. It also feels like he’s still here.

I often forget that my hearing’s crapped out and have the impulse to call him. I want to tell him about something interesting or amusing that’s just come to mind, ask what he's up to, tell him my plans for an upcoming travel adventure. It’s jarring as fuck when I remember that he’s gone.

There’s so many sad songs about fathers and sons.

There’s Father and Farther by Jim Boyd

Sometimes, Father, you and I,
Are like a three-legged horse
who can't get across the finish line
no mater how hard, he tries and tries and tries.

Sometimes, Father, you and I
Are like a Warrior,
who can only paint half of his face
while the other half cries and cries and cries and cries.

Now can I ask you Father?
If you know how much farther we need to go?

Pop was Mardi Gras king at his care home

Father and Son—Yusef/Cat Stevens

It's not time to make a change
Just relax, take it easy
You're still young, that's your fault
There's so much you have to know
Find a girl, settle down
If you want you can marry
Look at me, I am old, but I'm happy

I was once like you are now
And I know that it's not easy
To be calm when you've found
Something going on
But take your time, think a lot
Think of everything you've got
For you will still be here tomorrow
But your dreams may not

Papa Was a Rolling Stone by The Temptations

Papa was a rolling stone
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone
Papa was a rolling stone (my son, yeah)
Wherever he laid his hat was his home
And when he died, all he left us was alone

Jen, me and Daddy take a selfie

And the killer of sad father and son songs, Cat's in the Cradle by Harry Chapin

And the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon
Little boy blue and the man in the moon
"When you coming home, dad?" "I don't know when"
But we'll get together then
You know we'll have a good time then

My son turned ten just the other day
He said, thanks for the ball, dad, come on let's play
Can you teach me to throw, I said-a, not today
I got a lot to do, he said, that's okay
And he, he walked away, but his smile never dimmed
It said, I'm gonna be like him, yeah
You know I'm gonna be like him

Glorious as these tunes are, none of them look at all like me and my Pop. Where are the happy father/son, father/daughter songs? Where are the songs where the father's present, emotionally supportive and just flat out hilarious? They MUST exist.

Was my father perfect? Fuck no—who is? He was the parent I needed, the parent I loved and I'm having a hell of a time accepting that he's gone versus temporarily absent.

The gift my father gave me every day of my life was he believed in me.
~ Jim Valvano