I Wonder

I knew a man who struggled with reality. That is, he seemed unable to take in, to recognize, accept and react to the bad, sometimes vile things that happened in his life. At the roughest times when, to an outsider, it looked like he was in a typhoon of excrement, he behaved as though the day was sunny with a sweet scented breeze.

In the face of any scary shit (and, let’s face it, there’s a lot of frightening crap in this existence), he’d become thoroughly blind and deaf. He would or could not see and hear what was plainly occurring (to his children or himself). Physically he was fine—not walking into walls or traffic and was only situationally hearing-impaired. Mentally though, he appeared frozen.

John never had friends for long. I imagine his behavior with them was similar, if less disastrously consequential than it was for his family. When someone you think of as a friend ghosts you in times of need, can’t offer so much as a ‘sorry you’re in a rough patch,’ most of us learn that this person is not actually a friend. They’re just someone you know—a person with whom you might occasionally enjoy a passing bit of pleasant chit-chat but that’s it.

It’s only hitting me now that, maybe, John wasn’t just a self-absorbed, if amiable, ass. Possibly the man had some seriously loose screws. Okay, I’ve thought something was up for a long time. I even spoke with him on a couple occasions, suggesting he seek therapy. I don’t know that he ever did.

I wonder…

Could he have been suffering from depersonalization/derealization disorder?

Depersonalization refers to feeling detached from yourself, as if you're watching your life take place from the sidelines or viewing yourself on a movie screen.

Derealization is a sense of feeling detached from your environment and the objects and people in it. The world may seem distorted and unreal, as if you're observing it through a veil. You may feel as if a glass wall is separating you from people you care about. (source)

So, he could see what was happening but experienced events as if they were taking place on teevee, maybe. He saw The Brady Bunch when Terminator was playing?

Previously, what did I think was his problem? That he was tragically egocentric and actually chose to ignore every last uncomfortable thing which inconvenienced him. That he was utterly clueless about what constitutes any sort of healthy relationship and wasn’t given to self-reflection.

Harsh but, maybe, that’s all his problem ever was. Incredibly, I actually liked John (but knew enough to keep my distance). He could be fun, we had a few things in common and he wasn’t stupid. I guess I’d rather view him as having been mentally unwell and long overdue for professional help than as, at core, a heartless jerk. 

I wonder if he’s even still alive.