This is how our friend Giovanni’s mother excoriated him when, we stopped by her home in Rome. You see, Giovanni and Cindy were taking us to Leonardo da Vinci airport at the end of our visit. We stopped by Mama Quilici’s to drop something off. What was the suffering about? Giovanni didn’t call in advance so she could make a big lunch spread for us.
His mother, gone now, was old, frail and tiny BUT there are just some things you DO NOT do. Like, fail to give your mother the opportunity to feed you and your guests. Rome to Boston’s a long damn trip, ya know. Signora Quilici was not going to be denied her god given right to feed us. Dammit.
Since then, “I’m suffering here” (spoken dramatically with extra added gesticulating) has become shorthand for Jen and I. We use it whenever one of us has the balls on audacity to refuse a nice gesture. e.g., I say “I could murder a cosmo with a lime wedge” (hyperbolically speaking of course—what kind of monster would I be were I to bump off some innocent adult bev). Jen says she’ll make one. I reply “oh no, don’t go through all the trouble. I’ll just have wine.“ Invariably, Jen sighs, raises an expressive arm and declares “I’m suffering here!”
This utterance applies to any proffered kind gesture and essentially, translates as “don’t be an ass. I want to do this so shut up now while I go mix your drink/make you some lunch/whatevs."
I’m suffering is similar to the mega importante yes dear. Yes dear isn’t patronizing or reductive—oh my, NO. The deep inner meaning is I know you’re in a bad mood right now so I’m just going to be the patient human equivalent of a safe, comfy blanket and a dark chocolate bon bon.On days which call for yes dears and I’m suffering here, it’s a smart plan to distract my bean with cute animal stories and pics, BON BONS and ripping yarns featuring strong warrior babes who would just never fit in well with the sorority/yacht club/country club crowd.
So, that’s what I’m gonna do on this fogbound, bad news Tuesday. I’m joining an opossum group on Facebook too. Those poor dears are totally misunderstood!
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