I Have Flatworm Envy

Maybe...

It seems I’m now jealous of bilaterian, unsegmented, soft-bodied invertebrates. Ya know, bound to happen and shit. 

I guess...

Regrowing a missing limb is no big deal — to a starfish or salamander, creatures that are well-known for using regenerative "superpowers" to replace missing arms and tails. But they aren't the only animals that can rebuild body parts that are destroyed or damaged. Deer can re-sprout as much as 66 lbs. (30 kilograms) of antlers in only three months. Zebrafish can regrow their hearts, while flatworms have demonstrated that they can regenerate their own heads. (source)

I’ll tell ya right here, right now, I’ve never in my 60 odd (yes, QUITE odd thank you), years felt so much as an atom’s worth of envy for a flatworm. I do now.

Scientists at the University of California, Berkeley have created mini-hearts. In Australia at the University of Queensland, a mini-kidney has been grown. At Ohio State in Columbus, mini-brains have been grown.  

HOLY MERDE BUCKETS! Even on Star Trek Bones can't grow replacement brains!

Sure, I’ll be long gone by the time backup neurological systems are on the market (and available at my local Target?) but this is still pretty damned thrilling. How long before John Scalzi’s Old Man’s War tech arrives, enabling me and my glitchy consciousness to be popped into a brand-y new, techno enhanced replacement body?

Can I get the audio system of a cat? The vision workings of an eagle? The balance of a flamingo? Strength of Kratos? Simone Biles' level of agility?

Back with the flatworms though—they only live 65-140 days. That’s a major drawback. Also, they’re decidedly unattractive (except to other flatworms maybe?). One thing we have in common though, we both prefer to avoid direct sunlight.

Ya know, if I hunt around enough I can find commonalities with most beings. Maybe not anyone in the Trump family though. I mean, there are limits.