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Saturday, March 2, 2024

Cyborgs R Us

Lego Medusa
Ya know, if god really existed humans would be made of sturdier stuff. Not this flimsy flesh, blood and bone shit.

Lego bricks would’ve been an excellent people building material choice. I mean, have you ever stepped on one in your bare feet? Of course you have and it was horrifically, astronomically painful. That shit’s indestructible.

I pulled/twisted/wrenched my left thumb the other day and, man’o’man, that’s some harrowing hurt. I’ve had it wrapped up in an ace bandage for two days now. Do you know how limiting it is to have your left thumb outta commission? That’s not even my dominant hand but, fer fuck’s sake, just pulling up my pants has been inordinately challenging.

Now I’m behind on my rehab exercising since, apparently, we ridiculous humans rely on our thumbs for just about everything. Not only do we employ them when we grasp this or that (that whole opposable thing), they help with balance (fer reals—mine anyway). Imagine me gripping my walker handles while in this stupid, serious, sharp discomfort. Yeah, it was not a happening thing.

What we humans need are detachable and replaceable  body parts. Feature this—you’ve hurt your thumb somehow. Just pop it off and insert your back-up hand. Broken leg? NO problem! Got a headache? Remove your whole head and attach the spare.

Designer/artist Jason Freeny seems to be exploring this very concept. He’s revealed what’s under the ultra durable dermis of Lego people. Possibly Jason could begin advising whoever the fuck invented us deeply flawed and glitchy human types. Can someone get a message to this being that there’s no shame in admitting to errors and asking for help.

Now that I’m thinking on all this—much of the plastic surgery biz would go under if we had easily removable replacement parts. Don’t like your nose? Switch it out to the Ivanka version. Your boobage resembles a pair of baseballs sitting at the bottom of a couple old tube socks? *PING* Time for a new set. Need flying buttresses to keep your ass from dragging on the ground? Fuck that expensive, time consuming surgery! Easy peasy—remove and replace. 

Another idea on the saggy bosom front—how about installing a knob on my back which, when dialed up or down, changes the size of my headlights. (Ya know, like the Crissy doll whose hair grew and shortened at the twist of a switch.) When I'm heading out for a big night on the town in a low-cut sheath, dial those mammaries up to 10! Sitting at my desk all day or going for a walk? Those coconuts are just gonna get in the way—dial ‘em down to two.

Legos really needs to get into the cyborg biz. Also, WHY was I not born a cyborg?!

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