De Rigueur Dole

Today I learned that wedding gifts are compulsory AND that their cost must equal the cost of your “plate.” I’m assuming “plate” means the “guest’s” meal/refreshments tab.

So, a wedding (especially a lavish one?) is more of a pay-to-attend fancy party versus a day to celebrate your loved one’s new life and commitment?

Yes, I’m old and should have learned this wickedly important ceremonial etiquette nonsense when I was a kid but:

• This shit’s boring as hell and, for me, has nothing to do with real life.

• My mother barely spoke to me as a child and certainly never instructed me on “proper,” formal social behavior.

• Fuck this shit! We should all do what we can/want/need to do. Also, do the kind thing, the giving thing, as much as possible. Leading our lives according to some excruciatingly “correct” bunch of made up Victorian era Emily Post social rules is a two-dimensional sucker’s game.

An aside: Did you know? Emily Post is buried at St. Mary's-in-Tuxedo Episcopal Church Cemetery in Tuxedo Park, New York. St. Mary’s-in-Tuxedo? Yes, that's honestly the name and it tells you all you need to know, right? This is a church for old money posh types who are into Westminster Kennel Club dog shows, dressage and yachting. They vacation in Paris, Morocco and the Maldives. In Boston they might dine at the Union Oyster House, Caffe Vittoria (if they’re in the mood for decadent “ethnic” coffees and desserts) or the Parker House.

St. Mary's-in-Tuxedo Episcopal Church Cemetery is not, were I a believer/churchgoer, a place I’d ever be found dead or alive.

Back to the fancy schmancy etiquette adhering wedding though…
Remember please, not all of us “guests” have oodles of spare dosh. Just attending your big day is gonna amount to a not-small outlay of green. 

Your attending loved ones need:

• A decent outfit (unless you’re fine with me coming in yoga pants, a sweat shirt and Vans)

• To cover travel expenses (car/train/air/cab?)

• Childcare (for the reproductively inclined)

• To take time off work (which may not be covered by employer)

Add to this, the mental and physical exhaustion it takes me to travel and socialize now.

You want your invited “guests,” your loved ones, to pay for their meals and refreshments too? Sure. Cool. It’s your big day and your theoretical loved ones after all. Do what you want but make the price of admission clear from the get go. OR you can remember that you’re not a MusKKK, Bezos or Zuckerberg (and neither are your precious ones) and scale down the event and/or your expectations.

Be honest with yourself—are you looking to celebrate your marital union with your nearest and dearest or is this about gaining big ticket possessions? If you’re mostly in it for the Wolf Gourmet High-Performance Stand Mixer, a full set of Honma Beres golf clubs, a couple dozen Marie Daage Aloe Custom Dinnerware place settings or whatever—say so.

If this is the case, why not send out your prezzie wish list and skip the ceremony/reception entirely? Go to the Justice of the Peace and grab lunch at the Pasta Palace afterward instead. Alternatively, you could sell tickets to your big day on Ticketmaster. Go BIG.

I don’t need or want to attend formal social events with loads of people (lucky me since I’m rarely invited anyway). That shit’s, at best, uncomfortable—sometimes it's even painful. Sure, I’ll probably just send you a congratulations card instead of a $300 lawn sculpture/soup tureen/soap dispenser but at least you won’t have wasted money on my “plate.”

You want a party? Have one. If you can’t afford the big, top, designer wedding unless your loved ones pony up a gift (on top of everything else), that is at least equal to the cost of their dinner/drinks/cake consumption, you can’t afford that posh of a 'do. Or maybe it's just the business of having loved ones that you can't fit in your budget.