Hilarity Ensues

Listen, it's funny and all that J.D. Vance wants to fuck dolphins and couches and probably a bunch of other things (Roombas, throw pillows and, when he feels like being Danger Boy, air fryers), but, what’s really important to remember is that he's an invertebrate masquerading as a human. He’ll espouse any heinously cruel set of inhumane laws and regs as long as the price is right.

J. Divan Fauxbilly is also a comedic gift who just gives and gives and gives. He’s not funny like Jonathan Winters or Robin Williams; he’s ridiculous like Madge Traitor Greene or that imbecile from Colorado.

How so? For a person who’s written a “memoir,” there are an interesting array of surprises coming out about him.

First, it turns out he’s not actually from Appalachia at all. He was raised in a large (2,000 sq. ft.), comfortable looking home in southwestern Ohio. Was his mother really, truly abusive or was that another of his lies?

Second, the man has quite a few aliases. His name at birth was James Donald Bowman. It was later changed to James David Hamel by his mother.

Vance spent more than two decades as James David “J.D.” Hamel. It’s the name by which he graduated Middletown High School, served in Iraq as a U.S. Marine (officially, Cpl. James D. Hamel), earned a political science degree at The Ohio State University and blogged his ruminations as a 26-year-old student at Yale Law School. (source) 

After that he changed his last name to Vance. When he entered politics he took the periods out of J. D. now going by JD Vance. How long will he stick with this alias?

Third, as a young’un he thought he was gay. Now, he’s rabidly anti-LGBTQ+. Is he deep in the closet with steel reinforced barricades or is he simply motivated to insane cruelty by his lust for power and money?

Moran and Log Cabin Republicans this week celebrated Trump’s pick of Vance, who during his 2022 Senate campaign said he would have voted against legislation codifying same-sex and interracial marriage rights. (source) 

Fourth, sources are saying the story of J Divan’s couch fucking kink is NOT in his Shillbilly Elegy book. Various “journalists” are saying it’s a hoax. My question—can it be proved that he did NOT take indecent advantage of his grandmother’s furniture?

No, I didn’t think so. Until there’s verifiable evidence, what we have is a Schrödinger’s Sofa situation. The couch is both violated and unmolested at the same time.

Fifth—like a lot of men, J.D. likes his porn. What kind, you ask? Dolphin on human women action seems to be his preference.

The Ohio senator was mocked on his own social media post because of a picture that he shared which showed a dolphin apparently attempting to mate with a woman.
~~~
…Vance posted Saturday with the picture, which was captioned with: "Woman gets violated by a dolphin and enjoys it.”

The problem, according to the commenters, is that the words "woman" and "dolphin" were highlighted in the image, suggesting that whoever took the screenshot apparently searched for those exact terms. (source)

Just FYI, dolphins will attempt to mate with pretty much everything that moves and have even been known to try and have a go at humans. 

This is the most I’ve found about dolphin on human sex. Granted, I didn’t do a deep porn dive—I don’t need the spam, ads and craziness that follow a search like that.

Basic common sense tells me that dolphin and human sexy bits are, most likely, incompatible. Dolphins weigh up to 1,000 pounds and the males are nasty, violent, rapey motherfuckers with females of their species. Also, they mate underwater. I’d be surprised to read of a human woman surviving the encounter.

So, J.D. Vance is into dolphin/human porn? I wonder if the folks in Ohio know that the fascist they voted to represent them in the Senate is a sexytime ichthyophile. Oh wait…dolphins are mammals not fish so this would count as bestiality then?

Apparently he also shares tentacle porn with his kids. Hello, Child Protective Services? There’s a home in Ohio that you might want to visit ASAP.

Lastly, found on GT Conway’s Threads page:

Vance to Megyn Kelly on "childless cat ladies": "Obviously it was a sarcastic comment. I’ve got nothing against cats. …"  (source)

N.B., he did not say that he’s got nothing against women—just cats. More of his lies and extreme nonsense here at a post on The Hill.

Christ almighty, this man is breathtakingly incompetent. I guess Yale Law School failed to teach him public speaking or, maybe, he was absent that week—too busy surfing dolphin porn in his dorm room.

Also, he keeps claiming his statement that the country was being run by “a bunch of childless cat ladies who are miserable at their own lives…want to make the rest of the country miserable, too” was “sarcasm.” Sure it was Jimmy.