Things You Should Know About Crows

First off, they're beyond stylish and always impeccably turned out.

 Second, before crowbars were invented, the poor birds could only drink at home. It was murder.

If you’re an introvert, FYI, the crow’s life isn’t for you.

Crows are social birds who spend their time in family groups known as flocks or murders. The groups start as small as two crows and grow to as many as 15, including mom and dad, the nonadult young and sometimes offspring from previous breeding seasons.
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In the fall and winter, crows will gather in large numbers to roost. A single roosting unit might have fewer than 100 crows or it might have thousands -- or even hundreds of thousands. (source)

Crows have big-ass funerals when one of their brethren croaks. It’s possible that these post-life gatherings are in fact “study sessions” where the surviving flock contemplate what’s occurred in an attempt to figure out how to avoid the same dire fate.

Crows have caused more damage to Japan than Godzilla. Like my buddy ‘Zilla, crows are just trying to live their lives, feed themselves, obtain shelter (from the storm) and shit. Can you honestly fault them? NO, of course not!

Proportionally, crow brains are larger than people brains. They are just as intelligent as dolphins and the great apes. This, obviously, means that they are light years more logical and intelligent than MAGAts. Yes, I know—that’s not saying much.

Just like humans, crows have regional dialects. According to ornithologist John M. Marzluff and author/artist Tony Angell (in their book In the Company of Crows and Ravens) crow languages "vary regionally, like human dialects that can vary from valley to valley." For example—in Boston we might refer to a group of friends as “youse guys.” In Pittsburgh they’d be “yins” or “yuns.” How do crows refer to their flock? Beats the fuck outta me—I’m deaf and don’t speak crow anyway.

Crows have learned how traffic lights work.

They are known to drop nuts from trees on the trajectory of oncoming traffic, which causes the cars to run over the nuts, breaking them apart. Then, when the traffic light turns red and the crow is safe to cross the street, he collects the nut and eats it. (source)

Humans do not all look alike to crows AND they hold grudges for even longer than even I. They never forget a face. IN fact, they teach their children who they can trust and who’s an asshole predator.

…crows are able to learn safety behaviors from one another. For example, John Marzluff of the University of Washington (who co-authored the aforementioned paper with Clucas) used masked researchers to test the learning abilities of crows. He and his colleagues ventured into Seattle parks wearing one of two kinds of masks. The people wearing one kind of mask trapped birds; the others simply walked by. Five years later the scientists returned to the parks with their masks. The birds present at the original trapping remembered which masks corresponded to capturing—and they passed this information to their young and other crows. All the crows responded to the sight of a researcher wearing a trapping mask by immediately mobbing the individual and shrieking. (source)

You DO NOT want to fuck with a murder of crows!

New Caledonian and Hawaiian crows make and use tools (but not crowbars—they’re too big and unwieldy).

Crows understand impulse control. That is and fer instance, given the choice of having a small dish of plain vanilla soft serve NOW or waiting a little bit and getting a big-ass bowl of cookie dough coconut milk ice cream topped with fudge sauce and a cherry, a crow will wait for the really good stuff (or maybe, in this specific case, it’s just me).

 There—don't you feel fully edified and culturally enriched now?